The Art of Midlife Reassembly
Not so long ago, an acquaintance was trying to understand what it is that I do and landed on: “Ah, so you help people deal with their midlife crises!”
This interpretation took me by surprise – not just because we never even touched upon the concept of midlife in our conversation, but also because the idea of attending to a crisis feels incongruent with the way I see my work.
However unexpected it was, the fact that my acquaintance was able to find a neat label in her own frame of reference certainly gave me food for thought. It prompted me to reflect on why I do not relate to “dealing with midlife crises” … and what might be a more fitting construct instead.
Traditional view
A quick Google search leads me to this definition:
“A midlife crisis is defined as a period of emotional turmoil in middle age, around 40 to 60 years old, characterized by a strong desire for change” (Forbes, 9 Mar 2023)
I keep digging to find the patterns in different gen-pop sources, steering clear of the academic rabbit hole for the moment. Here is a curated selection:
a period of large-scale change where a person experiences a lot of confusion and uncertainty about their life purpose
a period of extreme doubt revolving around whether someone's life is the kind of life they want
an emotionally uncomfortable period that prompts individuals to evaluate themselves, their lives, and their existence
often accompanied by high anxiety, self-doubt, depression, and existential angst
Ahhhh… there we are: existential angst, my lifelong companion!
Maybe herein lies the key to why I do not perceive this sentiment as life stage-specific OR a crisis?
Existentialist view
Existentially speaking, there are four fundamental and universal themes or concerns inherent in us as human beings: death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness (Yalom, 1980).
I know – these have an ominous flair about them. But before we throw ourselves into the depths of despair, let me share that Yalom also refers to them as “givens”. In other words, they are inevitable. And with this awareness comes a liberation that gives birth to personal agency and choice.
For the sake of initial orientation in this seemingly heavy lens we are taking here, let us take a moment to juxtapose:
Death with the responsibility and choice in how we live our lives
Freedom with the recognition of how conditioning confines us
Isolation with the experience of presence in connection
Meaninglessness with embodied, intentional meaning
I see none of these reflections as a matter of “crisis”. Perhaps it is because my personal history is full of such contemplations, perhaps because my values hold me in the realm of growth rather than hopelessness, perhaps because my giftedness profile also includes high existential intelligence .
It is quite possible that existential angst is no stranger to you either, and this life stage just happens to co-occur with another round of self-questioning and exploration around meaning, purpose, personal expression, fulfilment.
So what can we do with this inner restlessness?
Rebranding midlife crisis
If middle adulthood (or midlife) is the first time you are experiencing this sort of deep-seated shake-up, I would like to offer some interconnected alternatives for you to consider.
Midlife reshuffling:
Imagine you have your own personal, unique set of Legos that are assembled in a way you no longer find pleasant or appealing. Without making monumental, drastic changes (like smashing this metaphorical set and getting a new one), you get to gently yet bravely rethink what you want to (re)build with what you already have, which pieces go where, what building block you want to accentuate more, and which ones form your foundations.
Midlife exploration:
If you have spent the previous life stage being anchored in “doing the right things” or guided by the idea of “proper adulting”, now comes the time for rethinking how else you want to craft your reality. You get to re-evaluate the “basics”: what you prioritise, where you want to invest your time, who matters to you.
Midlife renaissance:
Our lives often seem like a series of narrowing funnels, where the intrinsic joy of learning about the world becomes streamlined as soon as we enter the educational system.
Like the period of renaissance itself, midlife gives us a chance to (again) make room for varied creative, intellectual, artistic interests, instead of being gridlocked in the select few we’d pursued so far.
Midlife evolution:
If you were to make a playlist with your favourite songs from childhood onwards, some tracks would probably still make your heart sing, but others might feel like background noise. And maybe now you’d blast a song that a 22-year-old you would have reacted to with an eyeroll. It’s ok. We evolve.
Knowing that evolution is about adapting to our changing environments - but also our changing selves - we can turn our reflective insights into a compass for the next stage.
Midlife authenticity:
Midlife offers a unique vantage point for reflection on past experiences, achievements, and mistakes. As Simone Oliver the global editor in chief of Refinery29 says, “If we’re lucky, at 40 we have an equal number of years in front of us as we do behind us. We’re beginning to gain the wisdom of perspective.”
We become wiser in distinguishing societal expectations from our core needs and wants, and equipped with our life experiences, we can discover what walking the walk our way can look like.
Food for thought
Choosing to rebrand “midlife crisis” is not just a semantic shift. As we redefine midlife as a natural and necessary stage, we are opening space for a different narrative: seeing the potential in ourselves, recognising the possibilities for ourselves as we are now, and enjoying exploration that brings us closer to our favourite selves.
After all, the way we talk about it shapes the way we think about it (and vice versa, of course).
So which of the reframes above resonates with you?
And if you feel inspired, perhaps you’ll come up with some of your own!
With kindness in mind, word, and action,
Irena
